When you have profound experiences in your life you are sure to learn a thing or two. Shortly after marrying the love of my life we experienced our first huge loss together. We survived the loss of one child and thought nothing could ever be as difficult. We were heartbroken. Little did we know we would have to say goodbye to two more children without ever holding them. Each miscarriage was unique and I felt in my heart and soul each child was equally unique. I am proud to say that through all this we were able to deepen our relationship and we are closer as companions, lovers, and friends than I ever thought possible. Throughout the process of grief, reinvention of purpose and the realization that this just wasn’t going to turn out how we planned – I learned a thing or two. Ironically, many of them didn’t have anything to do with losing a child.

The five things I learned from miscarriage that have little to do with the loss of a child.

1. I am stronger than I ever imagined. Don’t believe for one second that I didn’t crumble under all the missed cuddles, coos, and kisses. I spent many a night crying, cursing, and simply not believing happiness would ever find me again. Losing our babies rocked my world and I couldn’t remember who I was. I was lost in pain, agony, and despair. I always thought I would be a mother. If you are a woman and you are not a mother….then what? Through this process, I learned more about myself. I’ve learned more about what I am made of. I am a woman who has suffered loss many times over and I survived. I am strong and courageous – hear me roar!
2. I now believe in pray and play, not watch and wish. When I sat around looking at what other people had and wished I had what they had, I spiraled into depression! While I witnessed other women having successful pregnancies or women who had a house full of children, I would find myself wishing I was them. Why couldn’t I have what these other women had? It was such a sad way of looking at life. My feelings about my own worth and value started to change as soon as I changed my thinking. I abandoned the watch and embraced my world with a promise to myself to pray and play. By giving my fears, concerns, and heart to prayer and letting go of the jealousy, I became more aware of the blessings in my life. The blessings were always there but I had to learn to focus on them again. Once I started playing, being creative and having fun I was able to experience more joy. I spent nearly a year forcing myself to find one thing a day that brought me joy. It forced me to be more aware of the good things in my life. Another thing that really helped me was a game my husband and I created. We started listing the positives to not having children. This little game often saved me from falling into despair after being around children or pregnant women. It also truly gave us reasons to be in a state of thankfulness for not having our own children.
3. My family and friends really care. This sounds simple right? Of course they care. I don’t know how much I truly believed this until I went through the loss of three children. People around me wanted me to be happy and experience life the way my heart desired. Family and friends didn’t always know what to say or how to approach me at my darkest hours but they always had the best intentions. It’s was so easy to forget that people who love me were trying their best to be a support system for me. There were times I had hurt feelings over what someone said or a question someone asked. I now realize that they were only doing their best. I can now recall things I’ve said to people during tough times that may not have been the most supportive at the time. The reality  is ….we are all doing our best! Even when life really sucks family and friends deeply care.
4. My husband needs and deserves the woman he married. My husband. Wow, I cannot express with words how amazing he is. He is my rock, my best friend, my playmate and my compass. He lost a child with each miscarriage just like I did. You never would have known that given how he stood by me and made sure I had all my needs met. He listened to my heart ache over and over. He held me, he gave me space, he let me quit my job to recover, he loved me, and he was there for me endlessly. He had to watch me curl into our bed early each night only to barely have the energy to get out of bed the next day. He was the one who had to watch me with eyes glazed over for hours, days, and months on end as I watched Hallmark shows or did nothing at all. He got to watch the spunky, funny, and completely silly girl he married turn into a serious, sad and indifferent woman. Over time, I realized how ridiculous it was that I married the man of my dreams but I wasn’t appreciating the love we shared. I had stopped remembering how blessed I was to be married to a man so perfect for me. I was in pain but so was he. He never asked for more but one day I realized I wanted nothing more than to give him everything he ever wanted. My husband deserves to be with the woman he married!
5. I am blessed beyond measure. I live an enchanted life in many ways. Most would not look at my life and see greatness but I assure you my life is great. I wake up each day with my husband by my side. We share a beautiful love for one another, an adorable home and we have a wonderful four legged fur baby that greets us at the door each day with sloppy kisses. Our families are wonderful and involved in our lives along with many amazing friends who bring us great joy. I am (we are) blessed beyond measure. I always have something to be thankful for. Even in times of great sadness finding the joy in my day was of great importance. It gave me hope and that made me want to see one more day. I have learned to honor the blessings I have even when I don’t feel like seeing the blessings.

My prayer is that every parent that has lost a child to miscarriage will be able to reach deep down in their soul and find joy again. It is possible. It’s good to be in sadness and to remember your child and it’s great to have a deep heart felt cry. It is equally important to give yourself permission to live on, move forward and be in your joy despite that you will never forget. You can (in time) enjoy your life with purpose and feel joy again!